I wish I had fallen in love with you

I wish I had fallen in love with you.
"Everything in the name of love is excusable" -  they say.
Maybe all the texts I sent after 2am, calling you bad names, saying that I miss you, asking you if it was you whom I saw from the window of the first train going back home in a station way too far from where you live, way too close to where I live, as if my wishful thinking was this strong, would've been forgiven.
Maybe not going to your house because I was too scared of how much you could hurt me would've been less of a coward behavior.
Maybe dreaming of you would feel less surreal.
Maybe I wouldn't have to lie that you are nothing to me, that I'm already over you.
Maybe, if I had fallen in love with you I would look more respectable.
I wouldn't have lost all my dignity in front of you, because doing embarrassing things in front of the person you love is honorable.
Acting like you love a person you feel you could love, not actually loving, is something that only the emptiest of the emptiest hearts could do.
I wish I had fallen in love with you.