Almost 4AM and I'm writing my research thesis.
One month to 22 years old and I'm a mess.
To begin with, I don't know in which language I should write this.
Because I don't quite know who I wanna reach when I write this in the first place.
And I do know that by choosing English, overdramatic as it may sound, it feels like I chose not to reach those who only understand Portuguese, or Japanese.
And by that, I may have choosen to exclude from my "people I want to reach" list my parents, some of my dearest friends and my grandma.
Then I doubt my first choice and think that maybe I should've written this in Portuguese, which is my first language.
My English is always grammatically imperfect and I wonder if I can deliver the message.
So, yes, I should've chosen Portuguese.
But then I remember Portuguese is my native language, and still, I make grammar mistakes all the time. Which makes my inability of writing something gramatically correct even more embarassing than it does in English.
Plus, I'm always writing these huge texts in Portuguese. Portuguese speakers grew tired of my words some millions of characters ago.
You know what I should have done? I should've challenged myself by writing this in Japanese.
I mean, I study Japanese everyday for almost three years now. I should be able to express my feelings in Japanese already, shouldn't I?
But I think that if I wrote this in Japanese not only the people who don't understand Japanese, but also, those who have Japanese as their first language, no one would understand this, but me.
Or maybe even I wouldn't. I never know how to read the kanjis I wrote.
I don't say this in a self-deprecating way at all. It's just that, last week, my teacher of Japanese writing ran out of red pen after fixing my wording.
When she puts a question mark next to a word I wrote, it means she doesn't understand what I meant. Whenever I read the words next to the question marks, I read them in a question intonation. And I see what she meant when she didn't understand. I don't understand either.
Now that I stop to think about it, even if I write three versions of it, one in English, one in Portuguese, and after gifting my Japanese writing teacher a new red pen and begging her to fix my question marked words, one in Japanese, I won't be able to reach my brother, whose facebook has been deactivaded for months. Nor some of the amazing facebookless people I know. Nor my dogs, whom I realized don't really get words even if they are spoken words. I realized it after they were told millions of times not to piss in the carpet, but they still piss in the carpet anyways.
To conclude, I don't know how a self-note about my almost birthday got to my dogs' piss.
But I guess you got my point.
I didn't know who I wanted to reach when I began to write this.
I still don't.
One month to 22 years old and I'm a mess.
To begin with, I don't know in which language I should write this.
Because I don't quite know who I wanna reach when I write this in the first place.
And I do know that by choosing English, overdramatic as it may sound, it feels like I chose not to reach those who only understand Portuguese, or Japanese.
And by that, I may have choosen to exclude from my "people I want to reach" list my parents, some of my dearest friends and my grandma.
Then I doubt my first choice and think that maybe I should've written this in Portuguese, which is my first language.
My English is always grammatically imperfect and I wonder if I can deliver the message.
So, yes, I should've chosen Portuguese.
But then I remember Portuguese is my native language, and still, I make grammar mistakes all the time. Which makes my inability of writing something gramatically correct even more embarassing than it does in English.
Plus, I'm always writing these huge texts in Portuguese. Portuguese speakers grew tired of my words some millions of characters ago.
You know what I should have done? I should've challenged myself by writing this in Japanese.
I mean, I study Japanese everyday for almost three years now. I should be able to express my feelings in Japanese already, shouldn't I?
But I think that if I wrote this in Japanese not only the people who don't understand Japanese, but also, those who have Japanese as their first language, no one would understand this, but me.
Or maybe even I wouldn't. I never know how to read the kanjis I wrote.
I don't say this in a self-deprecating way at all. It's just that, last week, my teacher of Japanese writing ran out of red pen after fixing my wording.
When she puts a question mark next to a word I wrote, it means she doesn't understand what I meant. Whenever I read the words next to the question marks, I read them in a question intonation. And I see what she meant when she didn't understand. I don't understand either.
Now that I stop to think about it, even if I write three versions of it, one in English, one in Portuguese, and after gifting my Japanese writing teacher a new red pen and begging her to fix my question marked words, one in Japanese, I won't be able to reach my brother, whose facebook has been deactivaded for months. Nor some of the amazing facebookless people I know. Nor my dogs, whom I realized don't really get words even if they are spoken words. I realized it after they were told millions of times not to piss in the carpet, but they still piss in the carpet anyways.
To conclude, I don't know how a self-note about my almost birthday got to my dogs' piss.
But I guess you got my point.
I didn't know who I wanted to reach when I began to write this.
I still don't.
From me to my dear unreached self.
Ps.: The one who should've read it was the one who wrote it. So I guess it's useless for anyone else to get here. If the you, who's not me, got here, I'm sorry for the futility.
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